You would not believe how fast I ripped this off the bulletin board at my local Shoney's, where mullets still rule. At Shoney's they give the kids crayons to draw things, but several adults had to have seen this before it got up there on the bulletin board.
I used to work at a cafe where we had a loose-leaf binder filled with applications that people had turned in. My friends and I used to go through the book when we were bored and one day we found this. (Click on the picture for a larger view.) In the section called If you would like to write anything about yourself... Tod, the employment seeker wrote: To start with my name is Todd but you allready know that so let me go on. I'm about 5'10" I have little feet and little hands Im not black so you probly allready know what els is small. I like to eat and live in a apartment so that's the main reason I aplied. So I would be delighted to speak to you about emploment. Thanks allot. Todd the Employment Seeker.
Sadly, though Tod had the good sense to make not only a dick joke but also a racial slur on his application, he was not hired, even though his application contained probably the most truthful statement I have ever seen on a job application. "I like to eat and live in a apartment so that's the main reason I aplied." That's usually, at least for me, the only reason to apply. I mean aply. Other people who were much less honest were hired. People who claimed to love waiting tables because they loved meeting interesting new people got the job, but Tod (who spelled his name wrong on the front of the application) did not.
Your assignment today, class, is to write a paper about your home town. You should discuss its industry, its history and its unique features. The paper should be three pages long and typed. Please make sure it is on time.
Click on the individual images for a larger sized image that you can read, typos and all.
This was a college level paper from the days before computers when students had to type and pay attention to whether the carriage was running off the end of the page, and therefore had less time to pay attention to other things, like say, substance. It is really funny if you read it aloud with a Waterville, Maine accent. If you can't do that, then you are a frikkin' Raidah, and if you understand what that means, please know that I feel your pain and will buy you a Moxie any time you like.
Oh, okay, I was going to be cryptic and not tell you what a Raidah is, but I guess that would not be in the blogging spirit, so here it is.
I spent a year in high school in Waterville. A local insult, at least among high school kids, was to call another person a raider. (Pronounced: Raidah!!!!) I didn't understand this but the only thing I could think of was that the mascot of the high school in the neighboring town, Winslow, was a Raider. (I'm not even sure what that would be, but I think it looked like a pirate or something.) Hence, the worst thing you could call your enemy was "Raidah!!!!" As in, "Shut up, you raidah!!!!"
This paper is from the late '60s or early '70s, and it seems the anti-Bangor sentiment outweighed the anti-Winslow sentiment in those days.
Some of my favorite lines are:
"I always thought the Waterville girls were much prittier than Bangor's but that my opinion I guess."
"The local paper is the Waterville Morning Sentenal and I enjoyed reading it in the morning."
"They have a cover charge so it keeps out the riff-raff on big nights such as friday and saturday night."
Sadly, this was the best one out of a whole book of filled-in Mad Libs from the thrift store. Kids today just don't understand. In my day, we used funny words like "uterus" and "Tampax." And of course, "dink."
HELP WANTED: Wanted, uterine Young Man or Woman to work in Tampax Factory. Must have penis-like experience in repairing douchebags and wrapping dinks. Do not apply unless you have crappy experience, an I.Q. of at least a google and really enjoy handling disgusting colostomy bags .
Funnier, isn't it?
I'd also like to point out that ugly Leslies are far better than Leslie Uggams. Or is it that Leslie Uggams is better than ugly lezzums?
A good friend of mine bought a house in Maine. The people she bought it from had lived there for years and had left their now grown son's bedroom intact. This was thumbtacked to the door of the room. The border is actually wallpaper that matched the wallpaper in the room.
From the bedroom there is a staircase that goes up to the attic. The walls of the stairwell are papered with old magazine pictures of puppies and kitties glued to the wall.
I can't decide whether Mother or Junior wrote the note. It could mean, "Close this door, please. -Mother," or it could mean, "Close this door please, Mother." Or possibly, "Close this door. Please mother."
It's weird and creepy either way, and so typically Maine. Those characters in Stephen King books don't come out of nowhere. Those people are real. Signed, Mother
If you don't remember, the Bicentennial was in 1976. To celebrate our nation's 200th birthday, everything, and I mean everything, had a Bicentennial theme. Sugar packets, paper towels, toothpaste, sneakers; everything was red, white and blue.
Brown, alias Ency Brown, alias Encyclopedia Brown and really named
Leroy Brown is our hero. His head is like an encyclopedia. He is like a
complete library walking around in sneakers!
We wrote some mysteries about En. Brown and his detective service. We
hope you enjoy reading them. We had fun writing the stories.
Sally's Lost Glove
Sally left her baseball and money at Jim's house. She for got all about it. Next day she found the glove and money and went to a KISS concert. By Paul
Susan M. Clarke of the Boston Clarkes sent me this. It is from when she was in fourth grade and everyone had to write an Encyclopedia Brown story. The teacher mimeographed the stories and everyone got a copy! (Mmm, that smell!)
In Sally's Lost Glove, Paul writes of great loss, great apathy and great joy and does so in three concise sentences. The work serves as a glimpse into a simpler time– a time when fourth graders had little more to worry about than a lost baseball glove and a huge rock concert. Sally is worried about neither: "she for got all about it."
The character Jim has puzzled Encyclopedia Brown scholars for many years. This writer believes that Paul may not have been able to spell Encyclopedia and did not adopt the practice of other Brown biographers of his time who used the more colloquial Enc Brown, Ency Brown or En Brown. Had this not been the case, Sally might have chanced to lose her glove at Enc's house, which would have made for quite a different mystery indeed!
Made possible by a grant from the Susan M. Clarke Foundation. Boston, Mass 02134.
I Don't Got a lot, but I do have this excellent letter written by a prisoner to a model at a porn magazine. How I got it is unimportant, but if you click on the pictures you will be able to see exactly what this guy don't got and wonder if he is trying to impress the model, or just point out the inequities of life.
Please click on the pictures for larger versions. And comment, dammit!
Made possible by a grant from the Mike Edison Corporation.